How our assumptions about other people can shape workplace relationships, and why curiosity is essential to building a culture of respect.
A passage in Amor Towles’ award-winning novel, A Gentleman in Moscow, recently made me think about the sometimes nuanced nature of respect.
After a acquaintence asks for the opportunity to make a new first impression, Count Alexander Rostov reflects on how imperfect our judgments of other people can be. We encounter someone at a particular moment, under a particular set of circumstances, and can be remarkably quick to decide who that person is.
It’s a little like judging a symphony after hearing only a few notes, or forming an opinion of a painting after seeing one small section of the canvas.
We do this to each other all the time.
A colleague dominates a meeting. A new employee seems aloof. A manager handles a difficult conversation badly. Before long, an observation becomes an interpretation, the interpretation becomes a judgment, and the judgment becomes a box.
Our brains actually like these boxes. They help us simplify an enormously complicated social world. But efficiency comes at a cost: once we believe we know who someone is, we tend to notice evidence that confirms our conclusion and overlook evidence that challenges it.
When the box is accurate—but incomplete
Several years ago, I coached a young director for an assisted living provider. The initial description I received from her boss wasn’t particularly flattering. She was impatient, sometimes abrasive, and could be rude to the people who reported to her.
As I got to know her—and spoke with others—it became clear that the description wasn’t wrong. But it wasn’t complete.
I discovered someone who cared enormously about doing a good job. She was also deeply insecure about whether she was succeeding in her role. When that insecurity was triggered, it sometimes surfaced as impatience and aggression toward the people around her.
Our coaching work focused on helping her recognize what was happening inside herself. She learned to identify those early triggers and manage her own response before projecting those feelings onto others.
Her behavior changed remarkably quickly. And that created another challenge for the people around her: Would they allow their perception of her to change, too?
We are human becomings
That experience reminded me of something I’ve come to believe more strongly over the years: perhaps human beings isn’t quite the right description for us.
We are human becomings.
We are continually shaped by experience, relationships, successes, failures, feedback and, when we’re fortunate, a little self-awareness. That means respect requires more than resisting snap judgments. It requires active curiosity over the entire life of a relationship.
Sometimes that curiosity allows us to discover qualities we initially missed—generosity, capability, humor, resilience or wisdom. But the reverse can also be true. Someone we initially admired may reveal behaviors that are less constructive.
Respect doesn’t require idealizing people or ignoring what we see. It asks us to see people as completely and accurately as we can.
No one would claim to understand a symphony from its opening notes. We wouldn’t judge a painting from one small fragment of the canvas. The people around us deserve the same consideration.
Respect isn’t deciding who someone is. It’s remaining curious about who they’re becoming.
In the workplace, respect means resisting the urge to reduce people to a single interaction, mistake, or impression.
Want to build a more respectful workplace? Explore our respect training program.
